I read 'Parenting - Dr. Gordon's Discipline to Foster Independence'.
There is a chapter titled 'Chapter 6: Changing Children's Behavior Without Control'.

As parents, we want to nurture their ability to make good choices autonomously, without forcing them.
There were many hints that seemed helpful.

Modify the Environment

Parents can only change the environment, not the children.

Instead of trying to change children, try changing the child's environment.
When you provide things that children want, such as games and toys, they naturally become happy.

This can be seen as 'enriching the environment'.

On the other hand, if it becomes bedtime and the child is too excited to sleep, reduce the stimulating elements by darkening the room or reading to them.

This is an example of 'depleting the environment'.

I-Message

When giving feedback to children, it's better to use I-statements instead of you-statements.
This book refers to I-statements as 'I-Messages' in contrast to 'You-Messages'.

'Turn down the TV because it's too loud!'
↓
'The TV is too loud, and I can't hear the phone.'

'Hurry up, or you'll be late for school!'
↓
'If I see you leaving for school, I will be late for work.'

With I-Messages, the responsibility lies with the adult. (Because the adult owns the problem.)
When children hear that their actions are causing someone a problem, they are more likely to help actively and try to correct their behavior.

You-Messages do not achieve this.
They can hurt children's self-esteem and lead them to defensiveness or resistance.
Since You-Messages allow one to shift the responsibility for their feelings onto others, they are often used.

I-Messages also inform children that parents and teachers are human, too. Adults have feelings, desires, and limits.
Furthermore, it is effective as a way of appealing for help from children.
As a result, children feel relied upon by adults, which can make them feel happy.

Since I-Messages contain fewer negative judgments, children become thoughtful and useful on their own.

Good I-Messages do not include solutions. They do not give direct commands like 'You should do this.' Instead, children find their own solutions to help solve adult problems. Children's solutions can be surprisingly creative, often beyond adult imagination.

Preventive I-Messages

There are times when adults' desires are unmet or their goals are not achieved.
Tracing the cause often reveals that adults 'did not ask'.
Often, demands sound aggressive, causing children to run away or resist.

When adults clearly show their desires and seek children's assistance or cooperation in advance to realize their desires, this becomes a Preventive I-Message.

Examples of Preventive I-Messages include:

'If you plan not to come home right after school, please let me know beforehand. That way, I won't worry if you don't come back.'

Preventive I-Messages have the following advantages:

• Adults become more careful and responsible while maintaining control of their desires and emotions.
• Children learn what adults' desires are and how strong their emotions regarding those desires can be.
• Adults become models of unbiasedness, directness, and honesty, leading children to behave similarly.
• Relationships become healthier, based on a foundation of unbiasedness, honesty, and the satisfaction of each other's desires.

Switching Techniques to Mitigate Resistance

No matter how much you utilize I-Messages, there are times when children may rebel.
In such cases, children might perceive I-Messages as:

'My desire is XX. What you want is not important to me.'

At such times, it is essential to switch from a sending posture to a listening posture quickly.

'I will temporarily postpone my desire. Instead, please tell me how you are feeling right now.'

The switching technique allows you to convey to children that you are not trying to fulfill your desires at their expense.
Recognizing their feelings can sometimes lead to behavior changes in children.

Furthermore, when children resist, often the child shares the ownership of the problem as much as the adult.
Therefore, it is crucial for both sides to agree on a solution that is acceptable to both.

Identifying Primary Emotions When Angry

'I am angry'

This is indeed an I-statement message, but it is abstract, which can put children on guard.

Moreover, anger is a secondary emotion, and the cause that triggers anger can be associated with another primary emotion.

For example, if a mother gets separated from her child in a department store,
her first emotion is fear. She fears that something bad might happen to the child.
Having finally found the child, she feels great relief and internally thanks God.
However, she expresses her anger verbally, saying, 'Where have you been! It’s dangerous if something happens!'

In this situation, the mother might attempt to teach a lesson or punish the child by acting out her anger.

To stop sending angry messages, it's important to focus on primary emotions.

Rewards and Punishments

Chapters 3 and 4 also discuss rewards and punishments.

To use rewards effectively, controlling adults must have advanced technical knowledge.

Characteristics of Rewards

• If a reward feels too far off in time, its effectiveness weakens.
• From the child's perspective, the reward must seem within reach.
• If rewards are not given for desired behaviors, it will take extra time for those behaviors to be reinforced and learned.
• Receiving rewards can easily become a habit, undermining children's intrinsic motivation.
• Not receiving rewards can lead children to feel punished.
• The more rewards are given, the lower their effectiveness becomes.

For punishments, similar expertise is also required to enhance their effectiveness.

Conditions for Punishment

• Once a behavior has been punished, it must be punished every time it occurs.
• Punishment must be administered immediately after the problematic behavior.
• Punishments should not be administered in front of other children. A punished child may feel embarrassed and become aggressive towards the controller in front of others.
• Those enforcing punishment must ensure that the behavior deserving punishment never can be perceived as rewarding to the child.
• Punishments should not be too harsh or too frequent; otherwise, regression may occur (stopping efforts, escaping situations, refusing to go to school, running away, quitting teams, or resorting to alcohol or drugs).

Meeting these conditions is nearly impossible.

External control imposed by adults does not teach children the inner autonomy that develops in them. Disciplining through punitive measures by adults does not raise self-disciplined children.

Conclusion

I originally picked up this book as my elementary school-aged child began to show more resistance.

As written, we adults tend to use rewards and punishments.

Many parents have likely said to their children, 'If you’re not good, Santa won’t come.'
While short-term solutions can be effective, finding a compromise through discussions is much healthier for deep-rooted resolutions.

Additionally, it struck me that treating children as equals without patronizing them is crucial.
Children want to make their parents happy and be acknowledged by them.

Moreover, I felt that the content of this book applies not only to parent-child relationships but also to employer-employee relationships in companies.

Many companies have awards such as the President's Award or MVP to boost motivation.
It makes me curious how many of these actually function well.